It will not be about an emotion, mere entertainment may be.

I thought it would be just another weekday. I get up, check the phone - for any new e-mails related to work, followed by Facebook, twitter and Cricinfo, the routine that I follow every morning. I read a brilliant article by Mark Nicholas, taking my thoughts back to how Sachin evolved, and it reminds me of how I became such a big fan. It sinks in slowly now. I have a sad feeling. This moment was to come, but the sadness was inevitable either.

Then comes Friday, he was at 38 not out the day before and I didn’t want to miss him see bat one last time. I get up soon, rush to office, just in time to catch the start and sit in the break-out with my work and watch him play, until he gets out. There is sadness, but it doesn’t sink in yet.

Saturday, and I am at work. I open Cricinfo at around 12 PM, and the match is over. I could’ve gone online and seen him depart, but I couldn’t. I had seen a couple of retirements before – the first one I remember is Inzamam-Ul-Haq, the guy I didn’t like so much, but after he played his last innings, he waved to the crowd, and wiped his tears. I had a lump in my throat. I still remember exactly how he walked back that day, that huge figure crying like a little boy, and it still gives me goose bumps. Then Ricky Ponting, the cricketer I hated the most, I thought. But when I saw him walk in to bat for the last time, I had almost choked. It wasn’t supposed to be as emotional, but it was sad, very sad. So I decided I can’t see Sachin’s retirement. It has already been a day since he retired, I have all the means to see how he left, but I still haven’t seen that speech. I think I can never see it. I tried to read the newspapers on Sunday, picked one random part where he talks about his wife, and I have moist eyes, tears ready to roll down. I didn’t want my mother to see me cry, so I stop reading it further. She was reading about Sachin’s retirement as well, then suddenly stops and says –“I can’t read it, I might just cry”, though she never followed cricket.

I’ve been a huge fan of the game, but I realized I have been a bigger fan of Sachin. He is the reason I started watching cricket. I remember how in 1996, during the world cup, cricket fever had gripped everyone, including me. I remember how when he got out (his being the second wicket) with the score at 98, chasing against Sri Lanka in the semi-finals, India fold to 120-8. And just like that, I remember almost every game he played, until he got out, like it was played yesterday.

When I think back about a few of the matches that he played in and when I can’t relate to what the result of those matches were, I know for sure that Sachin, for me, is bigger than the game. And I am not ashamed to say it either. I will continue to watch cricket, but it will not matter when someone wins or loses, it will not matter when someone comes out to bat and it will not matter when someone gets out. I will continue to watch cricket, but it will not be about an emotion, mere entertainment may be.